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Thursday, November 04, 2004
Perhaps my frustrations are blinding me for now...but making art has been so difficult for me as of late, and it's because I am up to that point where I can pretty much pull something out of my ass..and voila!...happy bunnies and happy trees with no personal substance. I yearn to be a pianist these days (I think reconnecting with my old Tori Amos cd's are contributing to this yearning)...so I could spill the stories in my heart like honey poured onto a pancake..(that's the best analogy I could think of..)..but yes, I see artistic expression like honey. Pianists just make it seem so automatic (which I know is very untrue...), but let's say you have this inspiration, you can just go to a piano and play the emotion and let the music take you...not that I am saying you can't have that automatic experience with visual art...for some visual artists, one can go up to an empty canvas and fill it like a pianist would play a melody on the piano....But I am not one of those visual artists...my experience with making art is not automatic and to be honest very insecure and sometimes painful. It's like pouring honey on the pancake, but first I have to collect the honey from an actual nest and I end up with bee stings.
It is a sad experience to feel so insecure at what you used to feel was the best you could give of the world...but when you let criticism and underappreciation eat at your creative spirit, it is very disheartening and draining...all of a sudden an empty canvas is no longer an opportunity for expression but a massive wall that you somehow to climb. And you also have burn out and the presence of failure breathing down your neck telling you, "Only 50% of art school students pratice art after graduation" keeping your spirits down ... But eventually criticism and underappreciation (which is the worst) is something every artist has to go through so I am hoping this wall will crumble sometime soon....and perhaps it never does...maybe it turns out that I have to build some sort of ladder and climb past my insecurities. After having them for so long I have to realize that my insecurities will always be there but I have to learn how to work with them. I yearn for my art to be my refuge again so I am going to reclaim my art.
And perhaps it is an issue of vulnerability. When I was younger, art used to be about escape and refuge, where I could retreat to from the pains of life and somehow try to make sense of things....but perhaps life has caught up with this personal aspect and I have to make myself vulnerable to my art just like one does in relationships and life in general (putting yourself out there as they say...). So I am going to reclaim my art by putting myself out there to it. It's going to be freaking horrible and hopefully just as wonderful. Here is hoping for all possibilities, which would be better than pulling something out of my ass.
"Art is the stored honey of the human soul, gathered on wings of misery and travail."
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